Today

I feel so dumb today. I know I'm coming down with something, but still.....dumb.

I had to go out to do a few things. I needed to pick up a registered letter from the nearby Foodworks which is apparently a post office. I needed to mail my mum's birthday present and my father's Father's Day gift. I needed cat food, conditioner for Sim and some flu fighting vitamins for me.

So, it took me ages to get ready, but I finally got out the door.

I was not 100m away from said door when I realised I had forgotten the slip that allowed me to pick up the letter. Mind you, in that 100m I had also realised that the flu I was fighting did mot want to to walk today. I had no energy at all. So, I called a taxi.

The taxi came....and drove straight past me. So I followed it up the street and he finally saw me. It was ok, he's a really nice guy - I've been in his cab before. I was still doing ok and I was on my way to pick up what I thought was our marriage certificate. It wasn't. It was a lovely card from family, with a couple of Coles Myers gift cards in it, hence the registered post. But still, not what I expected. Also, the 'post office' really wasn't...they had no post packs at all. And so, to post what I needed, I really needed to go to the shopping centre.

So, I called another taxi. I noticed as I did this that my phone charge was low. But that's ok, cos I only needed to make one call later to Mary to get a lift home as she came home from work. I sent a qucik text to Sim to say it wasn't the marriage certificate, but a card instead. Taxi arrives, and Sim calls me. I told him about the card, my phone bips and I tell him it's going flat. We decide to talk later.

I get to KinKora, and post the goddamn gifts. Including a Father's Day card, the box and the express post cos I am running late for her b'day, it comes to $30. I hate money.

I am hungry now, so I check my purse - $5 cash. That's ok, cos I don't need anymore cash for anything else. So I get a bottle of water and a garlic chicken ball. I figured I need the garlic to help get over this cold. Comes to $4.60. Have I said how much I hate money?

Then I go and buy the other things I need. Another $40 for the cat food etc. Eek! I HATE money.

Ok. Now all I need is to call Mary to get a lift home. I look at the time and promptly read it wrong. Yep, Mary will be finsihed now and picking up Bridget. So I figure I'll call Bridget and find out where she's waiting. I'll wait with her I think to myself. I call her phone - turned off...which is pretty normal. Then I call Mary. Phone rings for ages. I picture her finding a place to pull off the road so she can answer. I feel guilty cos I am troubling her cos she's already on the way home. She answers finally. I get to say, 'Hello' before my phone dies.

I try to turn it back on, and it gets to the start screen. Then I see the time. It's an hour before I thought it was. Mary was still at work. Bridget is still at school. Mary probably thinks it was an emergency. So, I try to text her - maybe it will stay on long enough. Nope. It turns off again.

I'll call her on the public phone perhaps. So I walk to the phone....and then remember I don't have much cash. 40c. That's it. I know, I'll call Sim, he can call her and say everything's ok. I can't remember his number. But that's ok, it's in my phone. It turns on, just long enough for me to almost get to his number in the phone book. Then it turns off.

40c isn't even enough for the call I realise. Ah ha!! It is enough for a text from the public phone though! That's only 20c!! So, I stand there and type a text to Mary apoligising. Then I try my phone again to find her number. Nope. It turns off again.

I stand there ready to cry. I was trying to save money by getting a lift home. I had been bad with money today cos of the two taxis I had already taken. I see no way out for about 2mins. I just stand there, trying not to cry.

Then I snap out of it. I force myself to take an Executive Stress vitamin tablet. I drink a whole bunch of water.

I concede to myself that I just needed to take another taxi home. Stuff the money. I will text Mary after my phone is on charge. I will east a proper meal and relax for a while. After all, I have forced myself out of the house when I should be resting. I got the package mailed, got everything I needed to buy.

So, now, I am home, feeling a bit better, pumped full of vitamins with some noodles for lunch. I am a bit better now, and strangely, typing this entry has helped immensely.

Sorry if it was boring - Sometimes a Means to and End is.

Counselling

My appointment went really well.

The lady was just fantastic - she really understood where I am at.

She assured me that I am doing things right in distracting myself with keeping busy, planning pleasant events etc. That was good to hear.

She also noted that there has been some upheaving things that have happened in my recent past, like moving out of Rocky, moving in with In-Laws and getting fired, just to name a few. I ahven't had much of a chance to grieve these things, and regarding work, this may be why I don't feel ready to find a job yet.

I have to challenge my negative thoughts by writing them all down then challenging them directly. Just the process of writing can get you out of the cycle of negative thinking.

I am now sitting at Sim's work - he picked me up after the appointment. After we are done here, we are going to Rocky for a quick trip with friends. Should be heaps of fun. We are going to sing the whole way there!!

Today

My counselling appointment is today. I have been feeling better overall since being open about my depression, however, I still have bad days.
I have been trying to do many of the things that BeyondBlue sketch out in their fact sheets. I am hoping that the counsellor will have a good outside view of things that are happening in my life - give me a different perspective.
One of the hardest things is living with my husband's parents. I feel that I don't have much of a say in the way things are handled, even though that's not very true. They do try to do things to make me more comfortable, but I just don't live well with people. Especially when I really don't have much control over the general household. I don't try to control, but I feel useless trying to fit in with their routines and procedures sometimes.
I don't even really feel married to Sim yet....mainly cos we don't have 'our own house' and I have little hope that we will be moving into our own home anytime soon.
Anyway, I admit that I was using this post to get my mind in order. Thanks for your support guys - I will keep you up to date.

Mum's Present

I finished the album for my mum, finally!

Check it out here - http://scrapbox.proboards75.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=realscrap&thread=1187845370&page=1

Still waiting....

I haven't heard anything back from Big W.

I will call them today...but my hope is dwindling...

Day Out

Today I am handing a resume into Big W. Sim's brother has recommended me to the Night Manager there.

I know I desperately need work....but I was really hoping against Night Fill. I am going to go insane not seeing Sim - I'll be leaving for work as he comes home. In addition, my hands get really bad soemtimes with the RSI...it will be interesting to see how it goes.

But still, I am optimistic about getting it. It won't really matter to her how I got fired from my last job - she has a recommendation from someone who's opinion she respects.

I really must thank Ged for doing this for me. He may not realise how big a deal it is that I am getting out of the house even to hand the resume in. I will pick something up for him today I think, write a nice card and leave it in his room. I don't think I will be able to say anything to his face - it always come out wrong when I talk to him.

I am also going to pick up a new top today, with Sim's permission. We have a very strict budget while we pay back his parents. But, with all the weight I have lost, I would really like to have something that fits me. This Saturday is the 60th birthday of a friend of the family. And so I will have soemthing new to wear. That always makes a girl feel good doesn't it?

Anyway, I should go and get ready to go.

Bye

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